The schedule on the digital channel is pure evil, it has been revealed. The discovery was made by Father Timothy Earl. ‘I was just making up the latest patch of my famous Holy Water, old family recipe, when I spilt some on the TV guide. It rolled across the other channel columns as normal but the second it touched the ‘P’ on Peter Andre – My Life it burst into flames.’
After conducting an investigation a spokesperson for Ofcom said, “How did we let this stuff on the air in the first place? Jordan encouraging young girls to be sluts? I was scared shitless when I saw Keith Lemon’s eyes. Those are the eyes of a serial rapist of ever I saw one. And documentaries by Fearne Cotton? The one Holly Willoughby uses to sound clever? We will put a stop… That is to say that the ITV 2 schedule is terrific. Each programme a joy. Hail Satan. I mean Santa.’
Emerging from an orgy in which he devoured the flesh of an innocent virgin the ITV2 commissioner defended his content, ‘My relationship with Satan is strictly personal. He’s actually a really nice guy. He has this thing when he keeps asking for my first born…ah you don’t want to hear about that. ’
