Marwan al-Shehhi, who flew United Airline Flight 175 into Two World Trade Centre on 9/11, has expressed his increasing discontent over the conduct of his 72 virgins in paradise. According to the Abu Dhabi-born terrorist, over 60 of his nubile harem are now complaining that he does not 'give enough time to the relationship'.
'I hate to make a fuss,' said al-Shehhi, 'as my reward in heaven has been exactly what was promised by the blessed prophet, upon whom be peace. However, I would say that the Holy Qu'ran might have spelled out some of the details a bit more clearly. They're all gorgeous, of course, but, never having met a woman on Earth, I didn't realise how they moan all the bloody time.'
Unfortunately for the al-Qaeda martyrs, it has emerged that the personalities of deceased souls do continue to develop, even if their hymens miraculously regenerate themselves. Consequently, in al-Shehhi's case, 27 of his virgins are dissatisfied with the state of the house, 21 repeatedly switch off the TV when camel racing is on, 18 have stopped speaking to each other and the rest are gossiping over sherbet and figs about al-Shehhi's inadequate love-making on the five occasions per year that it is their turn.
'You think I died at 20, untainted by the touch of a man, for this?' said Khalida, a doe-eyed brunette from beneath a burqa, her sultry ankles bathed in ethereal light. 'Honestly, he is SO insensitive. And as for the state of the perfumed garden, don't even go there. I tried to tell him to tidy it up, but he keeps hiding in the shed pretending to be making a model cluster bomb.'
After nearly 11 years of increasingly futile attempts to please his needy harem, al-Shehhi is casting furtive glances at the nearby cloud of Khalid al-Midhar, aSaudi who was consumed in the fireball of American Airlines Flight 77 in the Pentagon. 'His favourite virgin Fatima seems really sweet,' said al-Shehhi. 'Maybe if I tried it on with her, he'd be honour-bound to kill us both and I could come back with her as my only wife. Worth a try, I suppose.'