It is a message familiar to anyone who has bought or rented a DVD. Among places where infringements of copyright are common, oil rigs feature prominently. It's understood leading movie distributors are losing millions because of abuse by those working on oil rigs, who rather than visiting local cinemas or watching individual copies of Ratatouille on their laptops are secretly organising what amount to offshore public screenings. Movie fans in their hundreds have been known to train for then work on oil rigs in order to flout intellectual property laws and indulge their passion at a significant discount
Which is why a crack team of black clad copyright enforcers took part in a million dollar seaborn operation to swoop on seventeen rigs in the North Sea and off the Shetland coast. "We avoided the use of helicopters because the arrival of an unknown chopper on the helipad would be certain to arouse the suspicions of these pirates" said Mike Jacobs, a former SAS man who has served in dangerous waters off Somalia as well as being decorated for his role in two Milk Tray commercials.
But oilman Dennis Jones, on the delta alpha rig in the North Sea said the raiders had over reacted. "OK, I lent my boss my Kindle so he could read The Girl with the Dragon Tattoo but surely that doesn't warrant a karate kick to the throat by a polo-necked assailant. Every one of these raids brings a nuclear fuelled Briain that much closer."
But DVD rights enforcer Jacobs said his team had seized three copies of Men in Black 2 and an illegal download of Downton Abbey (series 1) and the crackdowns had been worthwhile, despite seasickness problems.
He said "We are turning our attention to nurses' homes next week, where the problem is rife. And we are being followed by a Channel 5 documentary crew. The show will be called the Infringement Enforcers, and will be available on DVD next year. And god help any colleges of further education who plan to screen it publicly, unless they have the relevant licences"