Fears are growing today for Her Majesty the Queen who it is believed is becoming heavily addicted to gambling on horse racing.
It's widely known that most monarchs spend all day sitting on a throne, dressed in ermine robes, wearing a crown and dispensing wisdom to every corner of their realm no matter how far-flung it may be. But not so the current incumbent it appears. Since Tuesday she's been conspicuously absent from the throne chamber in Windsor Castle but has been spotted at nearby Ascot Racecourse every day.
On-course turf accountant "Honest" Lenny Rodgers, said earlier, "I don't know if I should tell you this like pal cos I'll probably end up in the tower or sumfink. But anyway, I'm stood here on me pitch yesterday and up comes Her Majesty wif The Dook. We'll have a 'Monkey' on Lucky Jo-jo she says, and then get this...As we are the Queen then of course we do not carry money about our person, but please do trust us my good man - we are good for it should our selection prove unsuccessful. Well what could I do like? I 'ad to take the bet but I'll tell you this. She was happy enough to carry 'er bleedin winnings off half an hour later no bother at all!"
Professor David O'Neil an addiction expert explains, "It's not uncommon for those with chronic gambling addictions to try and place bets on the slate. But I have certainly never before heard of an elaborate story such as the one Mr Rodgers relates. Most worrying indeed and to me it smacks of an addiction of epic proportions. If you ask me Her Majesty needs urgent help."
And genetics expert Dr Rufus Palmer further comments, "All too often these things are inherited down through the generations and I believe The Queen is no exception to, or indeed immune from this phenomenon. I mean one need not look beyond her own mother, the late Queen Mum - Gawd bless her - to see where this has stemmed from. The old girl was hooked on the gee-gees too, owed all round her because of it her she did, no doubt about that at all. Oh yes indeed, the apple rarely falls far from the tree in my experience."
Meanwhile as speculation mounts and fears continue to grow for the troubled Head of State, on-line bookie Paddy Power is offering odds of 3/1 that Her Majesty will check into top peoples' clinic The Priory by this Sunday evening.