Johnny Depp has decided to take full advantage of having most of the world’s women prepared to shag him by ditching long-term missus Vanessa Paradis.
In a statement Depp said ‘I’ve been banging the same chick for 14 years now and decided enough is enough. Every second women on the planet will jump me if I so much as wink at them and a hell of a lot of them are fukkin hotter than the sun. So I’m gonna go for gold.’
Experts say Depp could have racked up huge numbers of chicks by now if not for Paradis and now predict a shag-fest of mind-bogglingly depraved proportions.
Norwich University’s Professor of Boffology Dr Shaftenstein said Depp had obviously succumbed to the widespread ‘Cor, that bird’s way fitter than my Missus – what the fuck am I doing with my life?’ syndrome, and would now be feeling enormous levels of excitement at what the future holds.
‘He can look forward now to a very satisfying life banging multiple hot chicks every single day for the rest of his life without ever buying any one of them a drink or giving them a kiss and a cuddle afterwards.’ Adding unnecessarily ‘What man wouldn’t want that?’