A government study today into student crime shows that candidates who graduated from Oxbridge universities have a 95% success rate in Insider Trading, Ponzi Schemes and Bringing down Mediterranean countries. Other metropolitan universities did not fair so well in the survey, Leeds only topped the tables in bestallity, Liverpool in carjacking, Glasgow in razor fights and Exeter in Incest an honourable mention was given to Manchester and Salford for their field studies courses which the BBC filmed last summer in a fly on the wall documentry called "Riots".
A spokesman for St Quantatives College Cambridge said "Although the majority of students go on to a lucrative job in banking it should remembered that a job making people homeless is a vocation and requires lots of hard work, dedication and wealthy parents, some of our students have to re-evaluate their careers mid course and do less worthwile jobs such as a Doctor or Research Chemist" . He added "The poor shouldn't be discouraged from trying for a career in the city if they attend lesser establishments, look at that Leeson chappie he did a fine job bringing down Bearings and he was a comprehensive oik".
Price Williams alma mata St Andrews university faired the worst in the study, only registering in golf ball theft and trafic cone wearing. Defending his university Dr Sandy Aucterlonie said "Although we are disappionted with results its worth bearing in mind two of our recent graduates have landed lucrative roles within the royal family and you can't much better than that can you"