Eric Whippets, from Tadcaster somewhere in the north of England was given a one thousand pound fine and bound over to keep the peace for two years earlier today, after being convicted at Marylebone Magistrates Court on multiple counts of Being Friendly Towards Strangers On The Tube - Outside Times of National Emergency or Celebration.
Smelling strongly of black pudding and speaking only to confirm his name and address the defendant registered a plea of guilty before prosecution barrister, Justin Bulstrode, outlined the charges. A shocked court listened almost in disbelief as Mr Bulstrode told how Whippets had greeted one man, who was a complete stranger with, "Ay oop, Lad, lovely day like," before going on to smile at two women and saying "Hello missus, 'appen it's turned out reet nice again, in't it love?" to a third. All three women were later identified by the prosecution as having been strangers to Whippets at the time of the offences.
The former champion pigeon-fancier and leek-grower was brought to book after Police received numerous complaints relating to someone who was continuing to be friendly even after the Diamond Jubilee celebrations had finished. PC Alan Molloy, posed undercover as an ordinary traveler on the Central Line, scene of many of the offences, and nabbed his man when unwittingly Whippets said to him, "No, no. After you mate, please go ahead," before standing back and waving the officer off a train before him at Oxford Circus during the morning rush-hour.
"Soon as he did that I knew we had our man. He stuck out like a sore thumb," PC Molloy told BBC London after the hearing.
David Fitzpatrick, Chairman of the Bench, when passing sentence told Whippets, "We need to send out a message that this kind of wanton over-familiarity and unprovoked neighbourliness will not be tolerated on the streets of this great city outside of special times. Londoners should not have to endure this kind of harassment when going about their daily business."
if this seems familiar to some it's reworking of one of my previous stories