After months of shadow boxing, the long awaited Falklands War rematch has been confirmed for 2015 to coincide with general elections in Britain and Argentina.
Legendary promoter, Don King, held a glitzy press conference in Las Vegas to announce Falklands War 2, with both British PM, David Cameron, and Argentinian President, Cristina Kirchner, in attendance. King said FW 2 would be a held in a neutral venue in the Nevada desert, and fight fans could either watch the war live from a hillside seat or on pay per view TV. The war would utilise the popular “fight to the death” format. An overall time limit of 12 hours would apply as American fans no longer have the appetite for long wars.
“It will be the war of the century” said King. “Britain is undefeated in all wars since 1783, though of course that defeat was on American soil. Argentina, while lacking that history, has been increasingly belligerent of late under the fiery leadership of the beautiful Ms Kirchner. And don’t forget that the last time this fixture was held, a woman led her country to victory.”
The press conference then descended into the traditional trash talk as Kirchner called Cameron “little man” and he responded with “you’re going down bitch”. Scenes of X-rated chaos ensued as Kirchner did indeed “go down” on Cameron with Cameron seemingly offering little resistance beyond a surprised yelp. Cameron later denied that the incident showed him as soft, and said it was really a clever ruse to get the Leveson inquiry off the front page.
Full details of FW 2 were handed out at the end of the press conference. In a move designed to placate anti-war opponents who say the activity is inherently unsafe, the British and Argentinian armies will be restricted to 11 soldiers a side. The soldiers will be allowed any weapons that they can legally buy at a Las Vegas gun store, which raises the possibility that FW 2 could see nuclear devices used in anger for the first time since 1945.
It was the naming of Paul Gascoigne and Diego Maradona as team captains that caused the most interest. “Having these two fronting the war is a marketer and drug tester’s dream” said Daily Mail reporter, Doug Hoyle. “So the fans should turn out on mass. But what really matters in all wars is the support from the big guy in the sky – and God was decidedly pro-Argentina in 1986.”
The early Vegas betting markets have Argentina to win at 7-1, the draw at 5-1, Britain to win at 2-1, and the USA to join in towards the end and win at even money.