Danny Boyle has admitted he’s pocketed £89 million pounds allocated to the Olympics opening ceremony and is just going to ‘bung out a few sheep and chickens onto a bit of grass. They’ll probably just wander round a bit then have the shit scared out of them by some dodgy fireworks left over from Beijing.’
Boyle said trying to top Beijing’s effort was a waste of time. ‘We had Cheryl Cole lined up to mime ‘Fight for your love’ while Susan Boyle actually sang it behind a screen but in the end I couldn’t be fucked so I fell back onto the sheep thing.’
25 hand-picked sheep have been rehearsing for months but sources report they have failed to master any intricate synchronised moves.
‘All they do is bunch together and stare blankly at the choreographer. It’s disappointing.’
Boyle vowed however the show would go on.
‘We hoped the sheep would be able to perform as a precision mass dance unit but as it turns out they don’t seem to give a fuck about anything. So we’ll just chuck ‘em out there and let them ad lib.’
In a word of warning to anyone hoping for a spectacular orgy of cliched patriotic tosh Boyle said ‘I’m not expecting much and neither should any of the billions watching on telly. It’s just gonna be some sheep wandering about for an hour. It’s going to be quite crap.’