In a plot almost straight out of a Hollywood blockbuster starring Macauley Culkin, Prime Minister David Cameron and his wife Samantha find themselves at the centre of a child abuse investigation this morning, and it's sure to be red faces all round in Downing St following reports that a team of child welfare officers is now about to knock on the famous black door in the coming days.
Mr Cameron and family had been out larging it up in the Plough Inn near Chequers recently, enjoying a bottle or two of wine and a three course Sunday Roast with all the trimmings, and when it was time to go and run the country again they gathered up all their bits and pieces and headed for home complete with their costly entourage of security men and MI5 officers. But that's when the trouble started, because when they got back to the palatial mansion, laid on at tax payer's expense, they were missing one vital thing. Their daughter, Nancy, who they had sensationally left behind! - in the pub and all alone!
Child safety expert, Jane Miles, was horrified and speaking on the BBC News Channel told Naga Munchetti, "This is a disgrace and anything might've happened to the child. Say for example maybe two burglars could easily have turned up to rob the pub and the child would've be expected to thwart them all on her own, with maybe with nothing more than a Barbie Doll and a pair of deely boppers or something like that."
Just how this faux pas happened is unclear but a source who works at the pub but who didn't want to be named said, "The Cameron party were having quite a celebration, and let's just put it this way, I'm glad neither of them were driving back. Know what I'm sayin?"
And Britain's most feckless dad, Jamie Cumming, has added his voice to the growing clamour of criticism. Speaking from his 15 bedroomed stately home, provided by the council, he told reporters, "What a cheek! This Cameron's got a nerve to point the finger at me and he can't even look after his own kiddies. And to think he's in charge of the country too. It's a bloody joke!"