A group of American and Italian politicians have sold out Earls Court this weekend with a series of seminars aimed at educating British politicians on more effective public office corruption.
Event organiser NJ State Senator Rev. Ignatius Byron said this: “The idea first came to me when we stated getting the news over in the states about yours MP expenses scandal. I was reading stories about people getting in the news for claiming things like train tickets and gardening costs and I thought, ‘no, no, no. They’re doing it all wrong!’
It’s all about managing public expectations. As a politician, over here, unless you get caught by the FBI selling stolen kidney dialysis machines from a children’s hospital to pay your crack dealer, you’re not even going to get a story on the inside pages. I, myself, spent two years in prison for stealing… I mean, being wrongly convicted by the white dominated Court system for misappropriating charitable funds. And I still got re-elected. Twice. Praise the Lord.”
Nepalese local government official Cesare Como is presenting a Sunday afternoon lecture titled ‘Getting Value from Villains: are you maximising your organised crime revenue stream?’
“All due respect, but when it comes to political corruption, you British haven’t got a clue. Staying with a friend for free? Taking business associates on official trips? Pathetic!
His books might be more shameful than wearing a condom at a Bunga Bunga party, but your Lord Archer is the only political criminal worth his salt in Britain. Here in Italy we know how to do sleaze. This year alone I build an extension on my house with Mafia kick-backs. I helped get a Camorra owned building company a contract to build a local school. They made the load-bearing walls out of papier-mâché and the place fell down after a week, but what do I care? My kids go to a private school.
You might end up in court once in a while but you can just get the judge assassinated. God, the last time someone shot a judge in Britain it was probably with a fucking musket. You guys have got a lot to learn.”
Spokespeople for Baroness Warsi and Jeremy Hunt have refused to comment on whether they have booked onto any of upcoming seminars. The Conservative co-chairman also declined to answer questions about how 150 packs of House of Commons branded Post-It notes has appeared on her E-bay account.