The prestigious Saturday night headlining slot at this year's Reading Festival has been announced; it's some group that you know absolutely nothing about, being over the age of 22 and therefore ‘past it’.
‘We are both privileged and delighted to have secured them for their only UK show of 2012’ declared promoter Melvin Benn to whoops of appreciation from a couple of NME journalists who are apparently paid to give a crap about announcements like this. ‘It’s great news for their legions of fans. Plus it’s a strong message to middle aged music anoraks who still think that they’re up to speed with current musical trends: ‘stay the hell away and listen to your Oasis albums granddad.’’
The headlining act was formed in Washington in 2005. They have amassed a huge following in the UK and US by amalgamating Thrash Metal, Dubstep and a bunch of other musical subgenres that are unlinkely to mean anything to you anyway, so there's no point in detaining you any further with them...
Since their formation, all five members have left the group at one time or another, by dying, joining the Church of Mormon or forgetting that they were actually in the band in the first place. Saturday’s performance will mark the first time that the original line-up has played together – or indeed stood together in the same time zone - since 2007.
They complete the weekend line-up of illegible logos, unfeasibly pointy beards and impractical-looking body piercings - all designed specifically to make you realise that denying the onset of middle age is futile.
Promoters Festival Republic have, however, announced a small concession for older punters forced to attend, to keep an eye on their teenage kids all weekend: the original line-up of Happy Mondays will attend the festival on Sunday, selling vodka jellies and crack cocaine.