News is emerging today that there's soon to be an offshoot tabloid publication from Associated Newspapers, that's packing a new kind of punch. For unlike its rivals this one will only carry stories that are totally without any foundation whatsoever. The new paper will be chock-full of articles and editorials written to specifically push panic buttons and pander to the prejudices of white upper middle class Tory and UKIP supporters alike, without even attempting to employ the slightest vestiges of fair journalistic standards; something popularly paid lip service to at least by the current crop available.
A spokesman for the group comments, "What with this Leveson character poking his nose in just lately we feel that our hands have become tied more and more when publishing material in our tabloid titles. There are too many namby-pamby, lentil casserole-munching do-gooders and left-wing types having a go at us; insinuating that we are a bunch of shameless, right-wing scaremongering racist homophobes. Though why these filthy scum just don't piss off back to the stones they crawled out from under I don't know.
But we'll only be pushed around so much, and now we're taking off the gloves and hitting back at this shower where it hurts. Following a board meeting last week it was decided that the thing to do is to produce a new title were we can bash the lot of 'em and their kind. All stories in the new paper will be scurrilous, one-sided, totally unresearched, and most importantly, 100% made-up to suit our rabid right-wing agenda.
Content will be specifically designed to stir up and inflame the anger and irrational fears of our expected core readership. There will be pages and pages dedicated to bashing illegal immigrants, dole scroungers, benefit cheats and gays and lesbians etc., and we're not even going to try and put forward any kind of defence for our targets. After all why the hell should we? What do we owe them? I'll tell you what, sod all! That's what. We expect people such as retired army colonels, magistrates, and ageing Thacherites will lap this kind of thing up."
Print media watchdogs are bracing themselves for an expected avalanche of complaints once the publication, with a royal blue masthead and rumoured to be titled The Daily Mail, hits the newsstands later this month. However it's thought unlikely that these will be enough to see the title withdrawn from sale, as they are more than likely only going to come from a load of namby-pamby, lentil casserole-munching, left-wing, gay and lesbian, illegal immigrant, dole-scrounging do-gooders.