Fans of British parenting look like having something to celebrate as John Terry seeks to breakthrough to the next level and claim the European Father of the Year title. Terry, an ex-winner of British Father of the Year, only needs to maintain his large lead for 3 more weeks to collect the coveted Golden Kock trophy.
“The European format suits Terry” said long-time parenting commentator Gary Lineker. “The objective ‘number of children fathered’ scoring system favours ‘busy’ players like Terry, as opposed to the selfish majority who are content to get a couple of shots past the goalie and devote their whole lives to the resulting offspring.”
Terry has been consistent throughout the year with above average home form and an ability to exploit the favourable conditions when playing away from home in Europe. But it was suspensions and injuries picked up playing football that freed up Terry to fully focus on his parenting ambitions.
A visit to a Munich hospital to “visit sick kids” saw Terry impregnate an impressive 11 nurses. And a Ukrainian sojourn has started promisingly with Terry scoring freely playing in an unfamiliar, but unsurprisingly natural, far right position.
But Terry is, as always, a polarising figure with some players crying foul over Terry’s abnormally high conversion rate: “Terry exploits gullible women by saying he will ‘withdraw his tackle’ but he always follows through with intent” complained parenting rival David Beckham. “And it was blatant cheating donating to the sperm bank.”
Terry himself said he was trying hard to not keep his feet on the ground: “What will be will be. I will always consider British Father of the Year my greatest achievement – you wouldn’t believe how difficult it was to make time for the occasional photo-shoot with the kids with all the time I had to devote to sneaking behind Wayne Bridges’ back.”
In a sign that old wounds are healing, Anton and Rio Fernidand joined in to cheer on Terry from afar. “Mother f*cker” they said.