A frantic race is on this evening to find an urgent cure for a virus that's wreaking havoc throughout the UK's media community. The infection named, Chronic Sycophantosis, believed to be a new mutant strain of Arseius Licki Mornarchus, something that was thought to have been all but eradicated twenty years ago, has resurfaced with vengeance, and has already struck down some very high profile victims; Phillip Schofield, Eamonn Holmes and Matt Baker believed to be among its notable casualties.
Dr Barney Lingholm of London's St Mary's Hospital Paddington explains, "We believe the catalyst for this outbreak has been the recent Diamond Jubilee celebrations. Media anchors have been working flat out and have been subjecting themselves to dangerous levels of crass sucking-up to the Royal Family. Quite frankly it's impossible to remain immune when subjecting oneself to the dangerously critical and sickening grovelling that they have indulged in this past week. Something has had to give."
Meanwhile prayers for the speedy recovery of our much loved stars will be offered in churches throughout the country this weekend, as nobody wants to see them replaced permanently with the likes of Dermot O'Leary, Paddy McGuinness or, God forbid, Davina McColl.