Sir Cliff Richard has been taken to the gallows on Tyburn Hill and hung by the neck until dead, after slapping his arse in from of her majesty queen Elizabeth II.
In a rousing display of musical monotony, surpassed only by Midge Ure's Vienna, Sir Cliff finished his routine by thrusting his loins in the direction of the royal box and slapping his arse, whilst wearing the look of a hungry sex-pest and displaying his dirtiest 'bedroom eyes'.
The monarch was said to be "not amused" by the display and immediately ordered the yeomen of the guard to aprehend Sir Cliff and take him, by bus, to Tower Gateway, to be locked in the tower until she decided upon his fate, probably after the red arrows flypast on Tuesday.
A source close to the royal family said in a statement, "After standing in the pissing rain for half a day watching a load of braindead commers wave at boats filled with commonwealth savages, getting introduced by Lenny Henry like she was the headline act at a drag show, and Cheryl Cole, or whatever she calls herself this week, her majesty was not well disposed to take Richard's gesture with good grace and favour".
A number of Monday's acts have also been rounded up and placed at her pleasure, with Jimmy Carr rumoured to have been placed in an iron maiden, Rob Bryden on the rack and Rolf Harris scheduled to be the main attraction at the Berkshire Hunt.