David Cameron and Nick Clegg have confirmed recent rumours by marrying in a civil ceremony at Whitehall. Speaking after the ceremony, Mr. Cameron said that ‘It is a momentous day in the history of this country. We have been talking for a number of days about whether we could make it work, and I’m glad to say that with the support of our friends and colleagues we’ve decided to give it a go. Some might say that it is a little adventurous to start a relationship with a marriage. I can’t deny that we’ve had some fractious exchanges; and I haven’t done this “sort of thing” since Eton. But times have changed, and right now what we need is a stable union to propel this country forward. I believe that just getting on with it in the good, old-fashioned British way is the best way forward. Nick and I are so happy that we can finally look forward to getting into bed together’.
There had been concern amongst some of Mr. Cameron’s closest friends and aides that the marriage might have been called off after Gordon Brown made a late plea for the hand of Clegg. ‘They always had a bit of a thing’, stated George Osborne. ‘Everyone knows that they like to flirt at parties, and have been known to enjoy a bit of a kiss and cuddle in private. But truth be told, Nick never quite knew what he wanted, and Gordon always refused to let him go on top’.
Clegg himself said that whilst he had been tempted by the late advances of Brown, Cameron ‘was the one for me!’, citing the former-Labour leader’s tendency to bring Peter Mandleson to every meeting as a major sticking point. ‘To be honest,’ said Clegg, ‘I got the impression that Peter was never invited; certainly Gordon never seemed to want him there. But in the throws of desperation, I think he just needed someone to tell him how to do it dirty. Plus, Gordon was really into spin, and maybe I’m just a bit of a traditionalist when it comes to these things. Much better to just get things on the table and see what comes up’.
Both the Liberal-Democrats and the Conservatives have denied the move as a PR stunt aimed at appeasing fears regarding social justice and equality, an area typically neglected by the Tories. ‘It’s absolute cods-wallop!’ stated Boris Johnson. ‘It’s been on the cards for ages, and besides, Miriam Franco-what’s- her-face is a bloody facist, and Cameron’s bit has always fancied William Hague; mark my words, when the little blighter is born it’ll look like bloody Benjamin Button!’
‘The Tory party has always been a tolerant group,’ continued Johnson, ‘we just chose to keep it under wraps before and since the Lib Dems tend to be more open about it then we thought we might as well too! But make no bloody mistake about which one will play big spoon!’