BBC releases "holy" video shot by Prince Charles. Palace claims: God really did save the Queen.
News that the Britain’s official deity intervened to save the life of the head of His church will be unveiled on BBC1 on Monday, with never before seen footage of God saving the Queen, which, if authentic, endorses the Church of England's "unique" relationship with God.
The footage, shakily shot by Prince Charles in 1997 shows the Queen driving a Land Rover at speed towards a sheer drop in hills near Balmoral. The video includes Prince Charles saying “mama, stop! Mama, turn round!" with increasing anxiety. The Land Rover appears to career out of control towards the edge of a steep incline, beyond which lies a sheer drop and almost certain constitutional crisis. A distressed corgi appears momentarily at a passenger window. The video clearly shows a timecode of 2.9.97 - just days after the death of Diana Princess of Wales.
What happens next has been examined by forensic video experts, who vouch for its authenticity. The sky blackens, a choir of heavenly voices singing the National Anthem builds to an ecstatic crescendo, then a huge glowing disembodied hand appears, a bit like in the Simpsons, picks up the Land Rover as if it were a toy, and sets it gently and securely in the opposite direction before disappearing. The event takes 3.46 seconds. God – quite literally – saves the Queen. The rest of the video shows the camera out of control, as if its operator has fallen to the floor and lost consciousness. It’s understood the only people to have seen the footage are members of the royal family, two Archbishops of Canterbury and staff at News International.
But in a recent untraceable email to the BBC which claims to come from Britain’s almighty, a correspondent calling himself God comments:
“Basically, if I’d not saved the Queen just days after Di died, it would have looked bad for everyone. First Di, then Liz. It would have looked like, you know, retribution. The monarchy could have gone, well, tits up (!) And the next time I heard people asking me to save the Queen – well I’d have felt bad, believe me. So, all that singing worked. I did save her, and also as requested, she has lived for a long time. I know, I know, free will etc etc yada yada. How can I allow wars and famine and that yet save the life of an old lady, however nice? Look, I’ve always moved in mysterious ways, my wonders to perform. And I do love that song. I mean anthem. That and “Volare” sung by Dean Martin. And in the right circumstances, yes, I will save the Queen. Or King. Not every time, mind. And I do wish a few more footballers knew the words. Those Wembley pre-match close ups are embarrassing! Anyway now we have the Jubilee I thought – well let everyone see the film. Enjoy. (This is bringing the Jewish out in me, sorry!) Anyway I’m definitely sending her victorious. Whatever that means. Oh yes, sorry about the weather. Keep singing! Byeee!”
Attempts to answer the email have bounced, and it’s understood Internet Service Providers are baffled as to its source. But a jubilant Archbishop of Canterbury, who officially reversed his resignation today told the Church Times. “Woohoo – Anglicans 1, other world religions nil! We are the champions. Rule Britannia!”