The Duke of Edinburgh has sensationally admitted that the current 'Queen' is actually a replacement he hired to "keep the kids happy" when the original Elizabeth tragically passed away whilst they were away on holiday.
"They'd all gone away, leaving me to look after Her Majesty myself. I must have got distracted and forgotten to feed her, as just before they were due to get back, I discovered her still and lifeless on the throne."
Philip rushed out at once to the Secret Emergency Stand-by Queen Shop across the road from Buckingham Palace and judged each applicant on appearance, waving prowess and ability to tolerate barking-mad royal types and snooty politicians.
The number of times this has occurred in Her Majesty's ever more unlikely lengthening reign is uncertain, indeed, Philip admits losing count, but it is estimated to have cost the taxpayer millions in crown resizing, stamp and money reprinting and wardrobe restocking.
"Thankfully, Charles hasn't noticed", said a relieved Philip. "He really does have a few screws loose. One can only imagine where on Earth he gets it from."