Nautical history fans are celebrating yet another U-turn by the government, as the Home Secretary caved in to pressure to issue a one-off whaling permit. Thousands are expected to gather along the banks of the country's brownest river, to cheer as it rapidly turns a more patriotic red.
Theresa May had faced a barrage of protest from whaling reenactors, angered by her apparent snub of their long-defunct industry. But now that a Twitter campaign has borne the fruit of moaning one's bag off, the group are keen to recreate ‘ye dragginge of a bloated corpse through Londinium, on bigge hookes’.
May acknowledged that the Jubilee flotilla was a celebration of all the Thames' rich history, and condemned her previous decision to 'cave in to the politically correct'. The MP has now embraced the plans whole-heartedly, going so far as to insist on 'first dibs on the blow-hole'.
"I'm sure my fellow Londoners will join me in welcoming this spectacle", announced a sou-westered May, "this is the sort of activity you can immerse your whole family in, if they remember to wear wellies." With many of the capital's youths disillusioned at the prospect of working in the financial sector, May hopes 'the spearing of a minke' could awaken an interest in more traditional industries.
Forty thousand tonne of krill have been released from a breeding tank in Greenwich, with the hope of attracting an assortment of whales so the crowd can pick their favourite. Children will be encouraged to colour in ceremonial harpoons, 'boo' the big fish and urge the plucky whalers on with rousing sea shanties. Tickets are selling fast, but there are still a few killjoys hell-bent on ruining the event for everyone.
“Even Greenpeace have agreed to send an extra boat”, insisted May, “although they’re a bit reluctant to let us preview their banners. I know that a whale pursuit isn’t everyone’s cup of tea, but it’s still a lot more popular than a Jeremy Hunt.”