The decision of 33-year-old Jane Hughes to refuse an alcoholic drink at a do for her parents' 40th wedding anniversary sparked widespread speculation among aunts and other female relations that she was finally about to start a family. However, sources suggest Hughes's vague references to being on antibiotics for an undisclosed medical condition were not a sign of early pregnancy, but instead a cover for the fact she was at her first public engagement since a 2 week stint in rehab.
“I’d never known Jane not to have a glass in her hand," observed auntie Betty, "Put that together with the fact she certainly isn’t getting any younger and always moans about her career, it seems a dead cert she's up the duff.” In a private conversation Hughes's cousin, Vicky Mills, supported Betty's theory, also noting that Hughes "was clearly beginning to show".
As the evening went on, however, the constant raised eyebrows at the family dipsomaniac’s requests for orange juice - and friendly encouragement that just a sip of bubbly wouldn’t do any harm - led the recovering boozehound to fall dramatically off the wagon. One sip soon became three bottles of prosecco, and saw Hughes kissing close relatives on the lips for slightly too long, and dancing to the music of a mobile disco that hadn't yet started.
Hughes then made an emotional speech congratulating her parents on making their marriage last, despite the constant atmosphere of bitterness and despair in their home, and the fact that pair of them had shagged virtually every non-blood relative at the party. She then berated assembled guests for insensitively spreading pregnancy rumours when her dear poor husband was "obviously a jaffa", and was finally escorted from the premises after collapsing midway through giving the vicar a non-consensual lap dance.
"Shocking behaviour for a woman in her condition" commented auntie Betty.