Only a year after the inauguration of the first black President of the United States, change swept through Britain last night as history was made and a white upper-class man ascended to the highest political office in the land.
‘It’s a real fags to riches story,’ said humbled new Prime Minister, David Cameron. ‘When I was growing up on an estate in Berkshire, I never dreamed that someone like me could become anything more than a high court judge or chief executive of an investment bank. I was the first person in my family to go to university by private jet. To be honest, the whole thing hasn’t really sunk in yet – I have to keep asking my valet to pinch me.’
Equalities campaigners say that Cameron’s success is all the more striking for the obstacles still faced by white upper-class boys – or the ‘Great Ignored’. Health reforms have done nothing to reduce infant mortality rates among the rich, with many newborn heirs and heiresses continuing to suffer complications from being born with silver spoons in their mouths. And even in the 21st century, segregation still persists in some areas of the South, with state schools often adopting a policy of ‘No paedos, poofs or toffs’, excluding young aristocrats on at least one count and forcing them to fund their own educations.
‘I’m so grateful for the sacrifices others have made for me,’ said David Cameron, ‘like Lord Ashcroft foregoing that fourth yacht to fund our campaign. But it is not right in this day and age that someone like me should be reliant on handouts to shatter the glass ceiling which for so long has stopped well-off male Caucasians reaching down and wielding real power over those beneath us. And that is why this Government will be committed to raising the affluent out of the mire of prosperity and helping them onto the road to full-blown, eye-popping wealth.’
‘I have a dream,’ continued Cameron, turning to the crowds gathered outside No.10. ‘A dream that one day my children will live in a nation where they will not be judged by the content of their character, but by the colour of their money. A dream that one day on the green hills of Oxfordshire, stablehands and their masters will be able to sit down together at the table of brotherhood, but with different menus. And until the chance to lead your nation becomes a birthright for all citizens of wealth, I shall continue to rail against prejudice and injustice and dream of a better nation, one where nothing stands between the Eustaces and Tarquins of tomorrow and them taking their rightful place at the country’s head table.’
‘He should be careful,’ said a black veteran of the civil rights movement. ‘That kinda talk is liable to get him assassinated.’