Grand Ayatollah Ruhollah Musavi Khomeini has secured his place as the Republican challenger to Barack Obama in November’s US presidential election, following a decisive primary in Texas.
“I am sickened that the whores and bastards across your twisted and immoral lands have exercised their free will to vote”, ranted Khomeini, “may your rivers run with blood and a plague of flies bring darkness upon your heathen skies”.
As polls closed, the former Iranian spiritual leader was in Las Vegas issuing a fatwa on real estate tycoon, Donald Trump, and playing blackjack on the high rollers table with a harem of playful virgins.
Khomeini then shocked reporters by announcing Joe Pesci as his running mate, citing his abhorrent hatred of Zionist infidels in the 1995 movie, Casino.
It is unclear, however, just what Ayatollah Khomeini is standing for. “We know he’s against free speech, music, art, literature, prostitution, gambling, getting stoned, contraception, 3-ways, commercial television networks, electricity, women, alcohol, public nudity and alcohol”, said one political spectator, “But the problem is, nobody quite knows exactly what he’s standing for”, he continued, “America already has a devastating nuclear program and a keen interest in religious fundamentalism, I just don’t know if there are any bandwagons left for him to jump on”.