With just over 50 days to go to the start of the London Olympics, leading laboratory scientists have declared themselves as set fair for Olympic glory.
Speaking from outside his underground lab, head scientist Summer McKnight blinked into the morning light alongside Olympic hopeful Kaz Adamczak declaring:”Every Olympics a new wonder drug emerges to capture the hearts of the world and smash records left, right and centre. It’s the ultimate challenge for us, the pinnacle of a 4 year cycle of compounds, testing and transfusions.
We think with our new performance enhancing drug ‘Rizzladole’, we’re going to see a drug that will help the next generation of not-quite-world-class athletes like Kaz here to the top of the podium by achieving peak chemical performance. History tells us that the lab rat athlete that jacks up now tastes gold in August”.
Weightlifter, sprinter, swimmer and cyclist Adamczak declared: “This time last year I was still relying on vodka red bulls and getting my little brother to pee in a pot to get me up the world rankings. But the Olympics is the peak for us all, the world stage that demands the best from man and his test tubes. When I’m in London I know the ticket holders will be expecting a tarnished memory as part of their Olympic experience so I owe it to them to shovel as much of this stuff as possible into my system by any available orifice. Admittedly my eyes would give Marty Feldman a run for their money and my knob’s like a button mushroom but without Rizzadole I’ll never get the medal that’s my ticket to an appearance on ‘I’m a Celebrity get me out of here’”.