A major revolt by thousands of private investors in Facebook has been nipped in the bud by a series of heartwarming and whimsical postings from the social media organisation itself.
Shares in the company were initially made available at $39 each last week. But they plummeted by 9% within hours of trading, as new shareholders logged onto Facebook for the first time: “I couldn’t believe it, it was just a bunch of solipsistic ramblings and inane platitudes being ascribed to the Dalai Lama” bemoaned first-time investor Alex Joseph “All for $39 a pop. Thank you very much Mark fuckin’ Zuckerberg.”
A number of disgruntled investors used their new online statuses to group together and launch a class action suit against the firm. They claimed that vital information was witheld from them regarding how banal and self-absorbed Facebook really is as a medium.
However the investors were headed off by a slew of light-hearted posts from the company’s newly-formed Investor Relations Department. The posting began at 13.00 EST with a series of lolcat photos, including ‘I iz sitting on ur sharez in da kitty litta’ and ‘OOPS - can I haz ordinree savingz account next tyme?’
“By the time they posted ‘Keep calm and carry on losing money hand-over-fist’ three hours later I was in stitches” confessed Mr Joseph “I just knew we couldn’t go ahead with the action. Sure - I’ve lost a third of my pension plan, but … bless! And if by my insanely optimistic speculation I have helped even one more person discover Fenton the dog… well, it’s been a price well worth paying.”
Following the Facebook charm offensive, beleaguered shareholders have been entering into the same gently self-deprecating spirit themselves: “OMG, can’t believe I’ve pissed away half of my life savings on this bloated piece of trans-national control freakery” posted newly-retired head teacher Laura Stanley, adding “Major Fail - lol!” in a post currently liked by 14,434 people, including Facebook founder Mark Zuckerberg.