Bob Simpson was overjoyed today to learn he will be the only person in Britain excused from appearing at the Leveson inquiry.
The inquiry, due to finish in May 2042, has come in for criticism for calling every single UK citizen as a witness.
On hearing the news a relieved Mr Simpson said ‘Thank fuck for that. Ok I read the Sun, ogle the boobs, bust one out to the Dear Deidre letters, but I don’t think I have any profound insight into media corruption in the UK.’
Lord Leveson defended his thorough approach and pointed out he only gets £1000 per day for ‘having the shit bored out of me.’
‘Rorting this baby for everything it’s got is what any self-respecting Lord would do,’ said Leveson as he warned he may call every single UK citizen twice if he felt like it.
In another development, Leeds builder Peter Roberts took the witness stand and promptly fell victim to the ‘Leveson Memory Curse’ when asked if he’d ever busted one out to a Sun close-up pic of Helen Flanagan on a beach holiday.
‘Who’s Helen Flanagan? Never heard of her. Great tits though.’ he said.