There was widespread outrage across the county today as it emerged that the Daily Express recently put an actual news story on its front page.
The story, a sober, balanced and thought provoking analysis of the Greek financial crisis, has caused fury among the papers emotionally challenged readership.
Reader Ken Simpleton commented: “I am absolutely appalled by this shocking lapse of judgement. I do not read the Daily Express because I am a tolerant, well informed, rational human being. I read it as I am incapable of beginning the day without consuming a bigoted, inaccurate rant in a vain attempt to affirm my rancid, pig ignorant prejudices.”
“Do I want to hear about actual newsworthy events? No, I want to hear fabricated stories about EU plots to abolish Britain, asylum seekers being given free Lear Jets at the expense of the taxpayer and how watching BBC1 gives you cancer.”
Editor Hugh Whittow struck a sympathetic line, commenting ‘We are naturally, appalled by this unexpected rise in the quality of reporting in our paper. The Daily Express aspires to the very lowest standards of journalism and this sudden increase in class is completely unacceptable.’
‘We are launching a full investigation into how this managed to happen. In the meantime I can assure our fulminating, meatheaded readership that will make every effort to return to what we do best, unintelligible diatribes on immigration, baseless conspiracy theories about Diana and barely concealed plugs for Richard Desmond’s media interests.
I have personally put a lot of effort into creating a sad, execrable parody of a newspaper and I don’t intend to see all this hard work go to waste.