In a stunning development, archaeologists have found Jesus’s personal file from his job as an evangelical carpentry tutor with the Jerusalem Nailers. Initial indications are that Jesus’s “Mr Perfect” image could take a battering.
Professor Jason Hurd said that early performance appraisals show a cocky Jesus referring to himself as “the Son of God” and “bigger than the beetles”. But Jesus’s status as a master craftsman was never in dispute with appraisal after appraisal describing his ability to plane in a straight line without the aid of a ruler as “uncanny”. And it seems his morning tea shouts were legendary.
“It was towards the end of his employment that things really unravelled” said Professor Hurd. “The file contained a bereavement leave form where under ‘name of the bereaved’, Jesus wrote ‘self’ and under ‘estimated time of leave’, wrote ‘3 days’”.
An HR note records that although not technically illegal, the bereavement claim meant that Jesus received a windfall of 30 pieces of silver. But the note continues that Jesus may have broken one of the firm’s commandments as, while he was supposedly on bereavement leave, he allegedly stole company property – viz a quantity of nails - and was caught red-handed.
Professor Hurd observed that things seemed to escalate and an agreed resolution was reached whereby Jesus agreed to take unpaid leave with a vague promise to return “later”.
Professor Hurd said “it seems that Jesus never did return and the last documents on file were correspondence with Jesus’s lawyer over the terms of his testimonial.” An advice note from the Nailer’s lawyer stated “just agree to all his ridiculous demands – even the ‘walking on water’ reference – the testimonial is so over the top no one will ever take it seriously.”
“There must have been several versions as the final draft was titled ‘the New Testimonial’ and was a hefty 403 pages long” noted Professor Hurd.