The long-term viability of genetically-modified crops has been called into question after members of the anti-GM group Take The Flour Back were viciously assaulted by roaming wheat columns larger than a double-decker bus.
Anti GM protestors broke into the Hertfordshire field where the feisty crop is being grown with the intention of uprooting it and setting it alight, but their plans were thwarted when several bundles of wheat became aggressively self-aware.
Police were accused of being helpless bystanders as GM wheat reacted badly to being stamped on while it was trying to self-pollinate by lassoing several demonstrators around their necks and hurling them into neighbouring non-GM fields, significantly increasing the risk of cross-contamination. Anti-GM activist, Nigel Davis, had to undergo counselling after separate strands of wheat forced his legs apart and attempted to re-enact an horrific scene from the Evil Dead movie.
Scientists, however, put the wheat’s reaction down to 'high spirits', claiming that a small amount of gang rape is a price worth paying to combat famine caused by aphids. GM guru, Gerhard Fotze, said ‘It’s quite simple. In addition to aphids, the wheat has become resistant to hippies’
This morning, however, the wheat field appeared to be in a conciliatory mood. Self-appointed ‘Leader of the Bundles’, Dave Sampson, appeared to hold out a stalk to protestors, inviting those with lingering concerns over its safety to sit down and talk about them. Sampson blamed the violence on a minority of anti-social scaly protective casings known as ‘chaffs’.
Problems have beset GM wheat trials from the outset and were first highlighted when a bowl of Weetabix in Reading objected to having milked poured on it. The latest attacks follow an earlier incident in which terrified staff at an Aldershot branch of Sainsburys were cornered in the Cereals aisle and beaten to a pulp by a packet of Shreddies.
Davis, meanwhile, insisted he was in no mood for talking and that sitting down was a practical impossibility. He the warned the wheat he would have his revenge, adding ‘I could have it for breakfast’