As he fought his brave losing battle with leukaemia, 17-year old Kyle Anderson knew what his last wish was. 'I want to be tugged off by Cheryl Cole. That would be the ultimate happy finish', he told his parents. Alas, it was not to be. Kyle died last week and his family are now slating the 'callous' Geordie songbird for letting him leave this world in misery.
'We emailed her management - we got no answer. We rang the X-Factor office - they just sniggered,' said Anderson's grieving dad, Brian. 'All she had to bring was her right hand and a friendly smile. We'd have supplied the kleenex. And the cheerleader's uniform. But no, she's obviously too busy to bother with the fans who made her rich and famous these days.'
Cole's attitude is symptomatic of an alarming decline in the willingness of pop stars to meet their followers' heartfelt wishes over the past 50 years, says Charles Murray-Jones, Professor of Dappy From N Dubz Studies at the University of Derby. 'The Rolling Stones combined had sex with over 200 groupies on one three-week tour in 1968, even with Charlie Watts lamentable failure to contribute. Today, the likes of Justin Bieber can't even manage one,' he said sadly.
Not all celebrities are quite so selfish, however. When she heard of Kyle's plight, Katie Price volunteered to drive over to the hospice, give him a soapy tit wank in the bathroom and stream it live in HD on her website. Unfortunately, she also wanted to sing some tracks from her latest album, which the family saw as a deal breaker, just in case a miracle recovery was in the offing.
Brian Anderson remains bitter, partly at the Make A Wish Foundation, which declined to take up his campaign, but mostly at Cheryl Cole.
'Kyle worshipped that woman, even though he was diagnosed with leukaemia the same year she married Ashley. That may be a coincidence, I'm just saying. All my lad wanted was a last hand shandy from the nation's sweetheart, but clearly Little Miss Hoity-Toity doesn't care. Well I won't be buying any more of her music and I hope the 17-year-old boys of Britain find someone nicer to wank over. That'll teach her.'
[Digitally remastered with the help of master producer VCG. Hat tips to Beau Jolly and cinquecento]