England's blossoming folk scene is hailing a new hero, who has revolutionised traditional music by making an instrument from his own vital organs. Jeth Barley And His Musical Lung is selling out cow sheds across the country, and causing a headache for paramedics without satnav.
"I used to sing from the heart", explained Jeth, "but the risk of infection was simply too great." Happily, after drilling three hand-turned wooden valves into his left lung during a dry-stone walling accident, Jeth discovered that he had a new way of getting things off his chest.
Jeth's music isn't to everyone's taste, but few could fail to be impressed with the sheer volume of phlegm he can project. "I breathe in, stick one leg on a bucket, and alter my tone by thrashing back and forth", confirmed the wheezy minstrel. "It's maddeningly painful, but you have to suffer for your art." Thankfully, Jeth isn't alone in his suffering, with many of his audience experiencing permanent psychological damage.
With the occasional black-out, primal scream and loss of bowel control, Jeth isn't appreciated quite so highly by St John's Ambulance. "Normally we just have to treat a wasp sting or untangle a minor from a hurdy gurdy", complained Janet Hooper of the voluntary medical society. "I don't think I'm really cut out for containing the effects of mass hysteria."
Jeth has faith in their skills, but insists any attempts to revive him are traditional, using heart massage, leeches or some uplifting clog dancing. "My audience know that I insist on being saved in time with the music, and that's just not possible with a defribrilator", he insisted. "The fans would never tolerate me 'going electric'."