The wait to see which players produce the most spittle, and who has the biggest average volume per gob, is almost over. A new software package, due to be launched in time for the European Championships next month, will gather data every time a footballer spits during the tournament. Sky pundits are drooling at the prospect.
“Each day, our specialists will analyse the speed, shape, volume and content of every gob,” a Sky spokesman explained, “and all the best gobs will be shown throughout the night on Sky Sports News.”
Sky are already investigating the possibility of applying the new analysis techniques to a famous incident in the 1990 World Cup. “If we could use this technology on existing TV footage, we could potentially analyse Rudi Voeller and Frank Rijkaard’s little disagreement, in slow motion and HD and in the finest detail, for several years.”
Arguments over who is the best overall spitter in the world are set to continue however. Some believe those with a long record of consistent, successful spitting on a regular basis are the best. Others prefer flair spitters, those who illuminate the game with their imagination and creativity and flamboyant expectoration.
It is generally accepted though, that those players that run the most will be those that are likely to produce the greatest amount of material for analysis by the new software. There is a concern therefore that the statistics may be skewed by analysis of the saliva of the fittest.