Queen Elizabeth I has issued a warning to her explorers to take care when attempting to discover territories in the New World using the Mappa Mundi.
The advice follows a number of incidents over the previous hundred years where ships have ended up in a totally different place from where they were trying to explore. Genoan voyager Christopher Columbus was one victim. He said 'we were trying to get to East Indies but we ended up in the West Indies. It was ridiculous. We were hoping to come back laden with gold, silk and spices, but all we got was a few slaves. It was all that map's fault.'
Not everyone thinks the Mappa Mundi is to blame however. Columbus' wife told reporters 'all journey long it was telling him 'tack left at the next horizon', 'turn right in two days time' but did he listen? No. He kept saying 'that bloody thing doesn't know anything' and ignoring it. He can't blame the Mappa Mundi.' She also said that she suggested stopping somewhere to ask for directions, 'but of course, being a bloke, Mr Know-it-All wasn't going to do that was he?' she grumbled.
The Queen said she hoped the problems wouldn't prevent new products such as highly addictive and life-shortening tobacco products being brought back to England. Travel experts have recommended that international explorers should use traditional navigational methods as well as the new semi-completed map technology, such as following stars, careful use of sextants and typing your destination postcode into Google Earth.
Many local communities have been adversely affected by the route errors are however calling for the map to be updated as soon as possible. A spokesman for the American indians moaned 'we keep getting all these huge ships turning up in our harbours when they should be a couple of thousand miles away. It's damned inconvenient. Not to mention the fact that the occupants keep slaughtering us and stealing our land of course.'
Some islanders are now taking matters into their own hands, and have started eating travellers who turn up on their islands, a response they are thought to have copied from a small Norfolk village whose inhabitants starting eating the drivers of lorries that got stuck in their ford whilst trying to find a short-cut to Norwich.