A draft agenda for the G8 conference just released on Wiki-leaks reveals that the entire Euro crises is a cover for this weekend’s discussion of Earth’s relations with Extraterrestrial Civilisations. Greece, Spain, and France are alleged to have created a smoke screen for the real purpose of the G8 meeting, which will also include representatives from several Off-Earth Alien governments.
Most of the defence of Planet Earth from major alien forces such as Daleks and Cybermen has been outsourced for some years to a man known only as “The Doctor”, a confirmed bachelor who lives in a phone box and kidnaps young women. He is only sporadically contactable, much in the same way as any major utility provider. His status as a Gallifreyan Assylum seeker is said to be “Under Review".
One hot topic for this weekend’s event is the renegotiation of the contract by a race known as the Middle Managers for the rights to suck out the souls and spirit of all Earth based office staff. With Europe mired in depression, the middle managers will be looking for a reduction in their payments to the G8 as this well is fairly dry, although they are making inroads in India and China.
More worrying for the G8 is the news that Sith Lord Simon Cowell is not content with his domination of global Saturday Night Prime Time TV and the charts and is talking of building a “Death Star”, someone that would be even more soul destroying than a combination of all the acts he has yet unleashed, multiplied by a factor of ten. International concern is already so high that a new unit of measurement “The Giga Cowell” is expected to be approved to measure such an event.
It is understood that the threat to Earth from the Kardashians has been neutralised by giving them their own TV series, “Meet the Kardashians”, while the giant, orange, Umpa-Lumpas from Aldebaran V have dropped their threat to “Turn the Earth into a burnt out husk” since they got significant prime time exposure on “The Only Way Is Essex”. This last threat was never really taken seriously, as the Adebarans have never fully grasped the concept of the wheel or fire, and only ever bought one third hand space cruiser from Hooky Dave’s Spacecraft on Quaoar due to the lucky break of “Talking Bollocks” being the currency of Quaoar, which made them rich overnight.
The various security measures, food, and breathable atmosphere requirements of a diverse range of alien species will all have to be coped with by Camp David, a busy US civil servant who is tired of his nick name.