The Queen is said to be “miffed” that Prince Philip spectacularly failed to provide the expected entertainment at the Diamond Jubilee lunch after she had assembled such a promising group of royals from places as diverse as Swaziland, Tonga, Qatar, and Japan.
Things initially looked very promising as the King of Swaziland picked up a banana and the King of Tonga ate a coconut while chatting to the Duke of Edinburgh. But Prince Philip quickly steered the conversation to the topic of crippling European tariffs on Ecuadorian bananas and coconut oil.
Undaunted, the Queen then introduced Prince Philip to the Emir of Qatar and the Crown Prince of Abu Dhabi, who were both attired in multi-coloured flowing gowns, with glittering jewellery. Her disappointment was palpable as Prince Philip offered his support for an evolutionary, rather than revolutionary, approach to change in the Middle East.
Increasingly desperate, the Queen loudly remarked how cold it was while standing next to the King of Japan, only for the Duke to say: “yes there is a bite in the air”.
Normal service was expected to be resumed as a young, busty, waitress in a low cut top leant over Prince Philip to deliver a chocolate dessert in the shape of a penis. However, Philip merely made small talk about her career ambitions. Even her reply of “exotic dancer” merely elicited a response of how good that must be for one’s cardio-vascular system as the Duke rearranged the dessert to look like a cat.
An embarrassed aide said: “We just didn’t see it coming – only Charles engaging in sexy talk with some small shrubs, and Harry coming in dressed as Adolf Hitler while snorting cocaine saved us from complete disaster.”