Are YOU worried about crime? Do you lay awake at night, trying to balance the costs of society breaking down, with the price of a bobby's helmet?
Well, now YOU can help. Just follow Theresa May's guide to committing easily detected, minor offences, and you can make a difference. Why not set up a direct debit, and pay those fines the easy way?
Thinking about taxing your car? Why bother! We're certainly not going to remind you. But your automatically allocated £80 fine could pay for TWO truncheons to be reconditioned, or buy A ROUND OF BOOZE in our social club.
Not fond of your MP? Tell them exactly what you think of him! It's better to let it out, especially when you know you're committing an easily proven Section 5 public order offence. Hate speech? You will do, once we've fine you £80!
Did we miss your wheelie bin collection? Just leave it out on the pavement! A quick call to the council reports the problem, and they can pass it on to community support officer. Highly trained in fining people for frivolous offences, you could be subsidising their mountain bikes by as much as £550!
It can be prohibitively expensive to go after the real criminals, but by fining otherwise respectable members of society, we'll soon hit our targets.
Commit more minor offences. Because petty crime really does pay.