The result of November's US presidential election is still on a knife-edge. Pollsters say that the nation is split right down the middle between those who think that the right of people with the same number of penises or vaginas as each other to make their relationship official is any of their fucking business and those who realise that it isn't.
In view of the record federal deficit, historic highs in unemployment and most of the country's 250 million people being worried about getting by from one month to the next, both sides say that the economy is the key issue. However, there has been a tacit agreement to decide the leadership of the world's most powerful country based on whether or not thinking about two men doing it to each other makes them go all funny inside.
'President Obama's recent decision to come out in favour of making gay marriage legal was a pivotal moment,' said pollster Frank Luntz. 'This appears to have solidified his strong lead among the 50% of Americans who aren't mad. However, it has probably further alienated yet more of the 50% who believe that tax-funded healthcare is a form of slavery and that Elvis visited them on a UFO last week.'
Republicans have been quick to condemn Obama's move as a stunt to shore up faltering support in times of hardship, since the legalisation of same sex marriage is a state rather than federal issue. Former candidate Newt Gingrich said that conservatives like him regard marriage as the unbreakable union of one man and one woman. None of his three ex-wives could be reached for comment.
'Same sex marriage is unacceptable to Americans, the whole idea is insane,' added the Republican candidate-elect Mitt Romney, who, as a Mormon, believes in a sacred book compiled on golden plates by ancient prophets who lived in America from 2200 BC to 421 AD, then handed to a confidence trickster called Joseph Smith in 1827 and which not only says that Jesus is going to return to Earth in Missouri but also justified Romney's great-grandfather having four wives at the same time, for fuck's sake.