As Prime Minister, I believe that there is nothing more important than raising a child. All of society needs to pitch in and debate issues such as breastfeeding versus bottle feeding, rather than worrying about silly things such as the tanking economy, or Ms Brooks giving me 10% of News International shares for my birthday.
So as well as pledging £3.4 million for parenting help, my colleagues and I have compiled the following guide. Obviously, as busy politicians, we don’t have much actual hands-on experience of parenting, but the lack of real world experience hasn’t hampered us in other areas:
Making a baby - The crucial first step. As PM, I have taken it upon myself to study a multitude of “how to” videos on the Web. My findings are preliminary as my home broadband ran out, but what I can say is that it “takes two to tango” – you can’t make a baby between just you and the computer screen, thank God.
Pregnancy – No drinking, smoking or eating meat that might be a bit dodgy – sounds like a meeting with the Dalai Lama, only you get drugs to help you through the painful bit at the end.
Bottle feeding v breastfeeding – A touchy topic, and we don’t want to dictate how you lactate. On the one hand, God must have invented formula bottles for a reason. But there is also a lot of merit in the idea that breastfeeding provides a stronger mother-child bond, and the bonus is men get out of doing the 2am bottle feed.
Toileting – Jeremy Hunt has been shitting his pants a lot of late, and his advice consists of “hanging tight” and “blaming others for the smell”.
Transitioning to solids – Just the traditional advice here – continue drinking till around 2am and then have a kebab.
Baby talk – Studying Ed Miliband’s speeches should see you right here.
Childcare v staying at home – Another hot potato. We have a similar dilemma with our retired MPs – do we put them in the House of Lords or send them off to “Mamma”? You can’t win.
Sibling rivalry – I am of the very firm view that the younger brother just needs to do what the older brother says, eh Nick.
Tantrums – No easy answer here – you can send them to their room and give them London to play with but even that doesn’t seem to shut them up. Eventually you might have to give in and let them dress up as the PM.
Stealing – If your suspect your child of, say, taking cookies from Uncle Rupert’s cookie jar, what can you do if your child denies it and Rupert doesn’t make a fuss? You have to believe your child of course. What else are you going to do, start the Spanish Inquisition?
Sleepovers – We recommend these, but for reasons of both causing jealously and unwanted extra constituents, we suggest using the back entrance.
Anything really tricky – Ask the nanny of course.
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