Amidst claims that her arrest is part of a witch hunt, it has been revealed that Rebekah Brooks will face trial by ducking stool.
With drowning indicating innocence and floating being a sure sign of guilt, Brooks’ legal team are pinning their hopes on her being able to breathe through her arse as well as she can talk out of it.
Brooks refutes claims that she is in league with the Devil, having resigned from News International early last year. But several who have met her claim she enchanted them into worshipping The Sun, and forced them to invite her to Christmas Dinner, or give her horses.
Central to the trial are claims that Brooks ‘can hear voices’, particularly those of celebrities, politicians and dead children. But while few believe that a witch trial can ever be fair, most agree that it should make brilliant telly.
Amnesty International has so far refused to comment on proceedings, while a spokesman for Liberty claimed Brooks had ‘turned him into a frog’. Brooks had hoped for a defence from her coven in Chipping Norton, but they've recently been struck dumb, for some mysterious reason.
Brooks could be acquitted if there is a lack of evidence against her, a fact she is all too aware of. “As an editor, I know the importance of making up wild accusations”, revealed Brooks. “But I do have certain double standards to maintain."
Journalism can often be something of a dark art, with those that practice it feared and distrusted. But Brooks is adamant that she won't reveal how it's done: "even the most brazen hack will refuse to reveal their sorcerers.”