Stung by seeing £1.4 billion go down the gurgler on a carefully considered ‘whirl’, JP Morgan have decided – in classic gambler’s form – not to go down without a fight.
The investment bank’s board yesterday unanimously decided to chase its losses and, in the words of its Chief Investment Officer, ‘have another stab at it.’
Jittery shareholders were divided on the impending ‘double or quits’ move with half thinking it will probably just lose another £1.4 billion and the other half thinking it might get their ‘fucking huge losses back’ and make everything ‘alright’ again.
The trader at the centre of it all, the London Whale is currently working crazy hours pretending to know what he’s doing while having a giant wank, and trying to decide on whether to choose ‘up’ or ‘down.’
This morning he told reporters he was certain he was going to go for ‘up’ but when they asked if he was sure he replied, rather unconvincingly, ‘ummmmm, no wait! Down! Down! Yes, definitely down!’