An idiot’s guide to ...Germany.
Germany is for many an ideal holiday destination, indeed, ask anyone over the age of 80 and they’ll tell you it’s unmissable.
Much of Northern Germany consists of industrial areas or bleak agricultural landscapes and is not so different to the English Midlands, but with slightly fewer Nazis.
The Southern areas of Germany are mountainous and beautiful, and the women wear delightful folk costumes that make you think of mountains without looking out of the window.
German people are renowned for their robust and earthy sense of humour, and nothing delights them more than British tourists who, after a small glass of schnapps, will goose-step up and down the street, shouting “Heil Hitler,” “you started it” and blowing raspberries before bursting into a rousing chorus of ‘two world wars and one world cup.’
German people have a frank and open attitude to sex and the human body, and it will not be difficult to see naked Germans disporting themselves at the beach, in the saunas or at the health spas. Unfortunately, due to a national cuisine that consists exclusively of meat, the beautiful young ones are a rarity, as by the time they hit 28 they all look like Helmut Kohl. Do not be tempted, however, to try harpooning one, no matter how much it resembles a whale - the police take a dim view of this, and German police stations have special rooms in the basement ‘that haven’t been used much lately’ but are kept for exactly this kind of situation.
Germans have a keen sense of their great history and are ever keen to discuss their nationalistic and militaristic past with you, gleefully pointing out how the battle of Waterloo was the only time in history a German has been late for anything, and how Germans have a long and proud history of taking British ideas and perfecting them, like concentration camps, chemical warfare and genocide.
However, modern Germany has developed into a liberal, tolerant nation; one which has adapted Clauswitz’s maxim and now practices ‘economics as
war state-policy by diplomatic means’ and, having embraced multi-culturalism, the Germans are keen to please their large Turkish minority by dishing the Greeks.
The ideal time to travel in Germany is early September, as, by tradition, this is when most Germans leave their crowded cities and head east for the open spaces of Poland and Russia.
Essential vocabulary for tourists: putsch, one ball, synagogue, dam-busters, Tobruk, El-Alamein, Dresden, Spitfire, Lancaster, Beckenbauer, Schumaker, 1966, 5-1.
Knocked off in lunchbreak; feel free to adapt.