An unlikely consortium of the Kazakhstan government, wealthy gay businessman, the estate of Muammar Gaddafi, and the frat boys from the motorhome in Borat, have banded together to produce a satirical movie about Sacha Baron Cohen titled “Talentless Jewish Bast**d”.
The film premiered in Astana yesterday. Kazakhstan’s glitterati were in attendance, including President Nazarbayev and the countries 4th best prostitute Yula. After a small glitch where the wrong national anthem was played, the film was shown to raucous acclaim, with the crowd frequently shouting “mina wazza” (Kazakh for “small willy”) when Cohen appeared on screen.
The film itself adopted a “fly on the wall” approach with the producers installing a number of “plants” near Cohen’s London home, including a Kazakh café owner (played by President Nazarbayev himself), a gay hairdresser named Brian, and a disabled Nigerian petrol station attendant called Gavin.
The crowd loved the scenes showing Cohen’s progress through a Nazarbayev coffee loyalty card. After Cohen has already bought 9 coffees, Nazarbayev boards up the café and displays an out of business sign. Cohen arrives outside the café and resignedly throws his loyalty card in the bin. Hilariously, Cohen returns the next day and is surprised to see the café open as normal. He is then seen ferreting in the bin for his loyalty card. Mina wazza! Mina wazza!
The hairdresser scenes uproariously show Brian progress from a stereotypically gay hairdresser to a heterosexual Millwall supporter over a series of appointments. The hammer falls when Brian lets slip that Cohen was the reason for his transformation. Mina wazza! Mina wazza!
The triumphant final scene showed Cohen arrive at the petrol station and Gavin motions that he will assist. Gavin then takes an age as he slowly wheels himself out the rear ramp and stops to put more air in his wheelchair tyres on the way. Confronted with a disabled African, Cohen’s latent political correctness is shown as he waits as patiently as he can. After what seems an age, Gavin finally fills up Cohen’s car, and then takes an equally slow route back to the till. After taking the money, Gavin drawls “have a nice day”. After the now frustrated Cohen’s expected retort of “I have made other plans”, Gavin shoots back with “do those plans include me?” as he stands up and strips off his overalls to reveal a latex cat suit. Mina wazza! Mina wazza! Mina Wazza!
When asked to comment on the movie, Cohen said: “I always knew it was a set up and sportingly played along with it” as he threw his Nazarbayev coffee loyalty card and Gavin’s business card in the bin.