The Papal Noncio to the UK and Ireland today spoke of his concern about some of last week’s child sex abuse cover-up stories, at a conference for childcare professionals and some unidentified men with hands deep in their raincoat pockets.
"Victims schmictims, that's all I seem to hear these days,” started Cardinal Bondolino “hasn't anybody got something really important to discuss? What do you think of these new robes, see how they shimmer in the light as I move? Oh well, let's get on with it then, is this thing turned on?"
"The Vatican has been getting a lot of stick ... mmm ... sorry, a lot of stick about child sex abuse. Let me be clear, in some child sex abuse matters there is no really, really good excuse.” Bondolino claims he has personally looked most carefully at each case.”In fact, I've still got all the photos, if you’d like me to email you the link. So, on those very few occasions where the church has been, in even the very slightest way, at all in the wrong, then we’ll say 'sorry' and promise to try not to do it again. I’ll read you part of a little ‘pro-forma apology’ we’ve drafted for local Priests, which they can use to make everything better.”
“Ahem … ‘We’re very concerned about the damage done to the reputation of mother church and possibly, in some cases, to girls/ boys/ children/ women/ goats who were, in some cases entirely innocent. No excuses blah, blah, blah …’ then they can type in some free text to personalise it. Perhaps by inviting a family round for tea, offering to do some babysitting or taking their kids camping. Then it sort of explains we're a bit strapped for ... mmm ... sorry, strapped for cash, what with the unexplained fall in congregations, especially families with young children for some reason, and it ends by asking them not to sue us"
Bondolino explained that active steps were being taken to provide protection in future "A new post of 'Child Abuser Protection Officer' has already been advertised in 'BILFS & GILFS Monthly' - do you subscribe? We should appoint the successful candidate by early 2014.”
“Finally may I say that historically we may have seemed a safe haven for predatory paedophiles, who like nothing better than snuggling up to cherubic young boys with chubby cheeks. But, see that one over there in the choirboy robes? Be honest, you would, wouldn't you? Sometimes children can have such really cheeky 'come-on' smiles, don't you think? Yet you never see them in court. Apart from in the witness box, obviously."
Re-worked from the 4fun archives with hat tip to username for headline & wayland for something I can't remember