David Walliams has failed in his bid raise money for disadvantaged kids by reading all twenty thousand pages of Stieg Larsson’s millennium trilogy dressed as a transsexual. The writer and performer collapsed late last night in the reading room of the British Library after a period of 82 days without intellectual stimulation .
Walliams, 42, geared up for the challenge by speed-reading Ulysees by James Joyce ,but insisted that not even ingesting raw faeces in the Thames could prepare him for the pain barrier he encountered on reaching Page 527 of The Girl With The Dragon Tattoo .
His high-profile stunt has been beset by problems from the outset. With just 600 pages of The Girl Who Played With Fire left to complete, Walliams suffered a nasty paper cut which threatened to derail his bid. A team of surgeons battled around the clock to reattach his ‘reading finger’, but the experience left him with a nasty scar.
The star has won universal praise for his courage and determination and is the first Briton to have completed the sleeve notes to Foucault’s Pendulum in under three minutes.
Meanwhile, Walliams’s bid suffered a further setback when he was attacked by a swan while sending out conflicting signals about his sexuality. The swan, which is believed to have wandered in through the library foyer, was cornered by Walliams who called upon deep inner reserves in order to beat it to death with a hardback copy of The Girl Who Kicked The Hornet’s Nest, signed by the author.
Doctor’s now fear for the popular comedian’s mental state after he was overheard saying that he was ‘extremely proud of that thing with the airport’ and that a fourth series of Little Britain was ‘a great idea’