Embattled Home Secretary Theresa May announced that she has simultaneously solved the problems of refugees on welfare, and the airport immigration queue fiasco, with a new scheme which will see refugees man the immigration desks at Heathrow.
May dismissed criticism that the scheme is hasty and ill thought through: “Asylum sneakers … I mean seekers … tend to be more knowledgeable about UK immigration law than standard Border Agency officials, and also know all the tricks - like pretending to be a Christian in a Muslim country while wearing a ‘George Bush for Ayatollah’ t-shirt. Asylum seekers are also perceived to be more accepting of very crowded transport arrangements to get to work.”
May said no expense was being spared in training the refugees for their new role: “We already have Jeremy Clarkson lined up to run a session titled ‘How to be a little bit racist without anyone noticing’ and also do a demonstration of how an immigration queue can travel faster than a Ford Focus in rush hour traffic.”