A large rock has been declared cliff-top Inanimate Object of the Year, winning 80 % of the public vote. Channel 5's IOOTY show pulled a record 96.5 viewers for its final show, of which only 7 were journalists researching an article on 'What exactly Channel 5 gets up to these days.'
The show followed the progress of unsuspecting entrants along the Dover cliffs over 5 long years, scoring contestants on their inanimateness, inconspicuousness and ability to overcome peer pressure over extended periods of time, using scientifically rigorous techniques such as holding up cards with numbers on.
One of the hosts, an unknown presenter of unremarkable proportions, said at the announcement of the winner, "You were a, quite remarkable, sedentary sedimentary."
“Whoa steady on, Bill, that was almost sensationalist”, replied a co-host.
The scene was cut for almost 10 seconds whilst everyone calmed down.
Tragically, one viewer found the excitement all too much to bear and left to make a cup of tea, later claiming she was ‘just thirsty’.
This excitable reaction was markedly different from the emotions invoked by the majority of a series that generally featured still shots of plants, rocks and plants growing on rocks. Some of the rocks boasted droppings, but this was always an unprecedented bonus. A typical episode had minimal dialogue, mostly limited to, “Do you think that’s a contestant, Bill?”
“Yes, I think so, John, just look at those concentration lines.”
Viewers appreciated the easy-watching nature of the show as well as the distinct absence of attention seeking desk-jockeys and a mob-like audience of geologists.
To avoid too much publicity and constant earache for the general public, the show aired only once every 6 months for 15 minutes. Even in the aftermath, there has hardly been a ripple of excitement, a feature that impressively bored through the entire series.
It is not thought that the rousing performance of the large rock on this show will be enough to inspire the public to take up cliff-top-inanimateness. Or give the rock ‘landmark status’ on the cliff-tops, not even for a few brief months before the hype dies down.
This largely due to the lack of an expensive behind-the-scenes team pulling out all the stops to disguise what is, at the end of the day, a rather average, large rock.