War-mongering, limb-hacking youth employment champion Joseph Kony says his new found fame has not been quite the chick magnet bling bonanza he was hoping for.
‘I’m well fucked off’, said Kony from his jungle hideaway. ‘For a start I’m still in a fucking jungle hideaway!’
I got papped having a shit in the bushes the other day, and even now all of my enslaved jungle bitches still won’t do me without a machete to their throat.’
‘I’ve had no invites to film premieres and that fat pig Clooney won’t return my calls about summer in Lake Como.’
‘The paps are bad enough but now I’m famous I’ve got the fucking Navy Seals, Delta Force, the SAS – you name it – hunting down my ass for a quick burial at sea or a hot date at the Hague.’
‘My men treat me differently now too,’ said Kony. ‘They reckon that as well as being a sadistic, evil, murderous cunt apparently I’ve also become a stuck-up, arrogant asshole with my head stuck up my own ass.’
‘I thought being famous would solve all my problems. When I first started murdering and raping it was hard work but I never gave up on the dream of one day making it big like Stalin, Idi Amin or Ryan Seacrest.’
‘But now that I’ve hit the big-time I’ve found that fame doesn’t bring you real happiness. I just want to go back to being a nobody and rediscover the simple joys of basic murder and rape, go back to when I did it just out of sheer love of the craft.’
‘Having said all that though I’d still definitely try and machete-rape Jolie if I met her at a party.’