Apple today warned that its massively obscene profits would be in jeopardy of not being as massive unless the international ban on slavery was lifted at once.
Top Executives have already drawn up plans in case of a repeal which include identifying workers with dextrous, nimble hands, bashing them on the head and kidnapping them, and tethering them to a work desk in a factory in China.
In case kidnapping fails to meet demand Apple have prepared a slavery recruitment drive that offers – in a departure from normal recruitment practices - no pay and very poor conditions.
Benefits include job security, lots of overtime, uniform provided, no union fees and free food and accommodation.
‘We want to change the negative associations people make when they think of slavery.’ said an Apple spokesman. ‘For example it’s a guaranteed job for life, a roof over your head, and just enough calories everyday to keep you alive.’
In addition Apple slaves will have the pride of slaving for the world’s biggest brand with the coolest shit.