President Obama ordered a full-scale enquiry into the professionalism of the Secret Service after a group of them failed to do what millions of ordinary American men do everyday – keep their visits to brothels secret.
‘I’m deeply concerned,’ said Obama, ‘that these boys sposed to be guarding my ass can’t even chase some Colombian tail without getting splashed all over the world’s front pages. JFK used to bang 10 or so babes on a daily basis for his entire presidency and Ma and Pa Kansas never heard squat about that. It’s very disappointing.’
Washington officials also expressed alarm that agents could not undertake such a basic assignment without their covers being blown.
A White House source said ‘it’s totally unacceptable. Politicians, bureaucrats, officials, businessmen – we all manage to cover up our whoring but these boys manage to get sprung on a work-trip to Colombia! FFS! The clue’s in their name – that’s why everyone’s so pissed.’
A Secret Service spokesman hit back saying the ‘Secret’ part was just a meaningless label. ‘We’re not that fucking secret. We’re the 6 foot 4 goons with black suits, dark glasses, earpieces and mikes standing next to one of the most photographed men in the world. How fucking secret is that? So when we rock up to a Colombian whorehouse in a convoy of blacked out limos it’s kinda hard to just slip through reception unnoticed.’
The Secret Service did concede however that more could be done to try and be a lot ‘secreter’. As such all agents will now be shown old cartoons of Yogi Bear and the Beagle Boys to learn how to tip-toe sneakily with their hands and arms tucked up in front of their chests - the preferred infiltration method of US Special Ops groups around the world.