Recently deceased, Martin Rackly, is one of a number of ex-persons awaiting access to heaven. Despite taking his own life by jumping in front of a train during rush hour just outside London, there is a general consensus that this alone is not sufficient to reverse judgement on his place in paradise.
However, First Catholic Connect, trusted with the safe and timely passage to the pearly gates, have just announced lengthy delays of up to 45 years following reports of a real live man on the line on the Heaven Loop. Engineering works mean there are no East Ghost services running until 2112.
Whilst it is unclear whether the ghost train would negatively affect the man should it run, evidence from Earth-based funfairs suggest a chance he might die of laughter.
Mr Rackly expressed himself on the Ghost-Twitter equivalent, Rattle: "Unbelievable that a live man is ruining my afterlife. No consideration. I'll be haunting his arse", he rattled.
Promise of a replacement hearse service has done little to placate the angry ghosts, with many bitterly complaining “my heart beats faster than they travel” and “I’ve only just got out of a blasted coffin.”
Many of the jumpers killed by express services have said they’d give an arm and a leg for a decent service through to the afterlife, in many cases appendages already detached and ready to go. The optimists present have found a nugget of positivity though, commenting with a chuckle on the befitting interpretation of being left in limbo.
It is well established that the deceased travel to heaven in a manner concomitant to the circumstances of their death. Hence a man who dies in his sleep will wake up in heaven, a man who slips off a roof will fall into heaven, and anyone who dies under a train will have a bloody long wait to get anywhere whatsoever.
Although now regretting not ending it all the previous night whilst with the 'farewell-world escort service', Martin did extend his condolences to the man that died falling into the sewerage system last week.